Seeking first to understand

Over the past few months I have had some amazing experiences.  My faith in people has been restored.  I had reached a point in my life where I no longer saw good in people.  The culture of my job bred negativity and constant contention, both in dealing with clients and with many co-workers.  I no longer enjoyed talking to anyone or be around people anymore.  I felt like the life had been sucked out of me by mean people.

My life is completely different today.  I wake up every day and look forward to meeting new people and just getting to know them.  Where have they been in their life?  What experiences have they had?  Will they share who they are and what they have learned?  There are so many wonderful people in this world with so many experiences and so much knowledge - imagine if we all sought to understand each other, lifted each other and built each other up.  Yes, we all have our faults, but if we focused on each other's strengths and good qualities, learned from each other and taught each other, how different would our world be?

Years ago I read the book entitled 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People', by Stephen R. Covey.  I have always remembered a phrase from that book:  "seek first to understand".  I certainly have not yet mastered this art, but every day I try to improve.  I try to listen to someone when they are talking and understand what they are feeling and why.  Most often when we talk with someone, we listen, waiting for our turn to respond to what they have just said.  We have our own story or experience to share and, simply, are politely waiting for them to finish, so we can be heard - or understood.  I believe we can learn something from everyone who crosses our path, if we can open ourselves up enough to learn, and do not miss the experience by being self absorbed.

I'll share a story that happened a few days ago.  The attorney I work for was in a deposition that ran a few minute late.  The second person to be deposed had arrived and was most annoyed.  I was determined to talk with her and become her friend.  I listened to her express her dissatisfaction with being there and sincerely apologized for her being inconvenienced.  As she expressed other reasons for being upset, I empathized with her and soon, we were laughing, talking about some of the interesting art pieces in the lobby, and talking about other things.  I found her to be a delightful woman, very poised, intelligent and quite enjoyed our conversation.  The next day I was forwarded an e-mail from her, still very upset of her involvement in this dispute between our client and the opposing side.  When I responded to her e-mail, reminding her that we had met prior to her deposition, she immediately softened her approach and, in fact, thanked me for coming out to speak with her before her deposition.  She had been quite stressed and we had connected - a friendship was started.  I fully intend - once the matter is resolved - to continue the friendship that was started that day.

I have thought about that experience alot in the last few days.  How many times do we make judgments about someone, not understanding at all what they are feeling?  If we truly seek first to understand, before being understood, our lives will be enriched in ways we cannot possibly imagine.

I challenge each of you to seek first to understand.  As we all journey through life we will travel over peaks and through valleys.  There will be hard times, unpleasant experiences and disappointments.  All of these experiences that we call life will taste sweeter if we open ourselves to truly understanding others.